I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Only a mother’s love …
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
i wish i could marry a nap
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.