My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.