looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You Might Also Like
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Ape together strong
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.