No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
sry
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.