Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.