My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Best spot.. 😅
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm