I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill