pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
…..pretty much.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
is this a warning or an offer?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance