Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that