they really do be looking like this
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Godspeed, John Glenn
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no