Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.