Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Goat cheese is for herders.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water