I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.