I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*