No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.