They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
A little too much information.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
WTF IS THAT!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
life finds a way
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.