“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
How can I say no to this ?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.