This could be us… but you playing
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.