Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in