Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Hank is one in a melon.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy