said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You have been warned.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Whoa… oh I see lol
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.