Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
me opening up to someone
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means