He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
You Might Also Like
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN