My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
real
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there