My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I just ran a .003048K
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.