[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.