mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
happy valentine’s day to me
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Yes, this is exactly right
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.