I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
mumsnet is amazing
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.