no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
⛄️
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…