Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.