Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Best seat on the street 😍
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.