When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
only 11 steps left
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
In space, no one can hear…
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”