I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You Might Also Like
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.