Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]