16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
channeling her this year
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.