8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it