Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
You Might Also Like
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news