When I can’t barge, I careen.
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.