[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Yes my dude
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun