Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
This a good idea
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.