12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls