[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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Meanwhile in Portland…
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Real House Wines.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that