Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
😂😂
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?