ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
HR said no more nunchucks.