[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
You Might Also Like
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Childbirth is so beautiful
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating