WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
be careful
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit