This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.