Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.