Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Breaking news:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
❤️🦆
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.