Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me trying to reach for my goals
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera